I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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