My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
