Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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