Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
