Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
