I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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