youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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