i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
