i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
