whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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