He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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