Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
