there's paper in my vomit.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
