I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
