It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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