God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
