I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
