I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
