Joe is yelling at the trees again.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
