Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
