3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
