I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
