I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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