Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
