So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
