nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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