did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
