no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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