You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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