Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
