some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
