My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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