Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
