the condom got lost in my hair
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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