my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
