dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
