My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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