Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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