just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
