Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
