I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
