Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
