Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
