I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
