I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
