I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He did a backflip because drugs
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