i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
