WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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