my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
