epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
